I need help. I don’t want to wait. I keep thinking about
hurting my friends. Stabbing them with that knife I snuck into my room. The
other day I had a dream in which I stabbed my scissors into my roommate’s eye,
twisted them around and stood over her bleeding body until the authorities came
to take me away. I woke up smiling. It disgusts me.
I don’t want to hurt my friends. It’s my job to protect
them. Protect them from others and protect them from myself. I have to force
down the rage and sit on my hands until I trust myself. When I’m alone I turn
my anger on myself. That helps. It helps a lot. It drains the anger out and
leaves me trembling and empty.
I wonder if that’s what it’ll be like when I hurt someone
else.
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