The Integral of F(x) from a to b is FUCK YOU

I ran away. I emptied the last few hundred dollars out of my checking account, grabbed my laptop, and ran. I didn’t really have a choice. I’m okay though. I actually feel really good.

My calculus teacher was being a dick today. He gave us another quiz. Got angry when I was wrong. “The derivative is right there! Why the hell would you use Parts on that? That is classic U-Substitution!”

His voice was making me angry. He wouldn’t stop talking. The rage grew and grew. I grabbed a pen and stood up. My classmates started screaming. It suddenly felt hot and sticky in the classroom. People were still screaming as I left. No one seemed to be reacting yet. Everything seemed to slow down and get really quiet.

I guess I was wrong. People did care.

They’ll probably find me soon. Everyone knows what I look like. I don’t have a car.

But that’s okay. I’m pretty sure this is what happiness feels like.

Sick Day

I wasn’t feeling too well after yesterday, so I went to the nurse and she gave me the day off. I am alone in my room. Just me and my hate.

I told it to go away. It said that it was comfortable here. I curled up under my bed, gripping the blade of my knife. It laughed at the pain.

It won't let me die.

Dreams of Wrath

I had a dream last night in which I met my anger. For once it wasn’t a part of me. Wrath stood in front of me in a billowing, rolling, burning cloud of hate. I told anger to leave me alone and rage set me on fire. My veins were filled with smoke and I burned burned burned until I was ash and embers and smoke.

When I woke up I could still feel the hate inside my skin. I needed it out. I couldn’t stand it. I tried to cut it out. I tried until I was a quivering mess curled in the bottom of the shower.

I can still feel it inside me.

It's been there since I died.

Last Living Memory

I was thinking about it, and I think I figured out my last memory of being happy.

It was over the summer, and I was exploring through the woods around my house. I had my dog with me and my adventuring cap on and it was a hot and humid day, but it felt nice to be outside and in the forest again. And my dog dug something up. It was a box. Just a plain tin box with nothing inside but dust. It reminded me of some of the old tin boxes I used to burn stuff in in my room when I was bored.

I thought it was an awesome treasure even though it was empty, and I brought it back with me. I still have it in my room somewhere.

I think it was a nice feeling, being happy.

Someone I Used To Be

I used to be better than this. I used to be a good person. Last year, I was still at this school, still taking this level of classes, but I was so much better. I still got straight As. I got along with everyone. I participated. My teachers liked me. I had friends.

I don’t know what happened. That’s not me anymore. I used to see glimpses of her at times, but I don’t anymore. She’s been completely replaced by me. Stupid hateful angry me.

I hate myself for that. I don’t deserve to live for destroying such a good person.

Fuck Calculus

Calculus is the worst. I would be doing fine in that class if it weren’t for those stupid fucking quizzes the teacher keeps giving. How the fuck am I supposed to get a good grade when he only asks two questions and one of them is next to impossible?

I want to kill my teacher. I bet his daughter wouldn’t even care. She’s in my class too.

Fuck School

I hate school. I hate these classes. I hate my teachers.

I used to love school. I used to be great at it. I could sleep through my classes and still get straight As. Now it’s like I can’t understand anything. It’s like I can’t hear the lesson over the rageragerage in my head. I try to focus; I try to understand, but I can only look at the teacher for a few moments before there’s a voice in my head telling me to stab my pencil into his throat.